Suddenly, in a blink of an eye you sit back and rewind, check your past steps and realize it’s all been a freaky ride you can’t get out of, it’s like a nightmare you won’t wake up from, mostly because you don’t want to, for that is all that you know.
She was like that, a girl hiding the real mess she had become. With a smile on her face, and a knife buried deep in her stomach, tearing up a hole that didn’t make her bleed, but emptied her of all reason and joyful blissfulness. Walking around hoping not to be noticed, but desperately trying to drag attention to her never ending cycle of self-destruction and degradation, just like a child that likes to pick on scabs to see them bleeding profusely, until a scar is left where should only be smooth skin.
Her legs were like this, at 22 she was still sinking her nails into her wounds, trying to make sure she was still there, she wasn’t numb like the rest of them. Her never ending conversations with herself while driving round the city filled with nameless faces when all she wanted was to be among the few who do have names, identities. Still, she knew they were all playing pretend, just like her, the only difference was they had glory, and that’s something you cannot take away, even if it was there only for a second, that second would never cease to exist in the glorified mind.
Everyone’s a winner and a loser, bare that in mind. She had her own small victories to brag about, her voice was one of them, as her writing skills. As a singer and songwriter she could’ve been big, but the paralyzing fear kept her from trying, from exposing herself, opening her heart, such was the fear of getting hurt, being let down, being ignored. So, she walked around singing along, hoping someone would listen and decide to give her a shot, take her to the stars. Such a dreamer she was.
But our lives are not only made of dreams and that she knew quite well. She was a lover, ready to give in, hoping someday she would meet the love of her life. Took all the risks, some not worth taking, by any means learning more than most people she knew. From annulling her own personality to creating a how new persona, from hiding her feelings to baring her heart and soul, she would go great lengths to have a relationship that mattered, even if it was only for the sex.
Eventually she drowned herself in her own struggle and the one who saved her was the most unimaginable guy ever. This poseur boy from another town, one in which she conveniently had a country house, came into her life, turning it all upside down and acting like a break to her own deviant manners. He was her salvation and doom at the same time, for no one would ever be as perfect as he was, if he ever decided to leave her, she would be lost for good. And while with him, she would feel bad for not being as god to him as he was to her. Well, better with than without.
His friends were now hers, and that was odd enough, since living in a big city brings nothing but pain and enemies all around. Her college mates were as vain and superficial as rich folks can be. High school friends all had gone along made new friends, moved on from their teen years. She had no one but a few very close friends, each of them had their own relationships and thing to do, places to go. If it weren’t for these new friends, she would probably be left alone. It’s not like she never tried to bring them closer; her friends from the city and her boyfriend’s, but the first ones weren’t very interested in befriending the new people in her life, so she also left them behind.
Their parties were to kill for: booze, drugs and inappropriate behavior, wrapped up in pop music from Madonna, Britney and other similar ones. Dirty dancing on the floor, kissing games behind walls and philosophical discussions amidst illegal smoke, all drenched in vodka, whisky, beer and whatever else may come.
She grew up with them, learned you do not need to be a knuckle head for people to like you, also that you are only special when you can think and discuss and still be a bit superficial sometimes, and that is all right.
Being a complete person became her new goal, but that is no picnic. You must be intelligent, be a professional with a high paying job, and have good friends, a loving family, the perfect relationship, a beautiful home and last but not least, a kick-ass body. Modern times demand an extra amount of energy that drains you to a point where you nearly cease to exist. You just keep going, dragging your body around, forcing yourself to a whole compilation of attitudes you should never have in the first place. There is no time to study, work, have a family, and take care of your body and your home without forgetting yourself. And that became her utmost struggle.
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