For a brief while I had a Twitter account using the name @Cleracters. There, I posted clerihews (a specific type of light verse poem) about television characters. I wrote a ton of them, so I thought I’d share some here. They’re roughly organized by genre.

Animation

Louise Belcher

Bullshit squelcher

Speaks her mind

Even when it’s unkind

Lana Kane

Was the bane

Of Archer’s existence

Despite his persistence

Regular-sized Rudy

Pain in the patootie

But the Belcher kids aren’t jerks

They accept him for his quirks

Diane Nguyen

Needs a win

So she’ll pen the memoir

Of a washed-up old star

Peggy Hill

Has zero chill

With feet that are mannish

She loves teaching Spanish

Lisa Simpson

Dress of crimson

So precocious that she’s stayed

Thirty years in second grade?

Hilda and Twig

Met someone big

Helped him locate his spouse

Then he stepped on their house

Bender Bending Rodriguez

Frye will do what he says

Cuz that robot knows the way

To live it up in 3K

Little Stan Marsh

Knows life is harsh

But not afraid to say

“I learned something today”

Patrick the Squire

Did fondly aspire

To a job where he toils

For incompetent royals

Ensign Mariner

There’s no scarin’ her

Just makin’ margaritas

For the crew of the Cerritos

Sit-coms

Nandor the Relentless

Existence is endless

Never met a village

He didn’t want to pillage

L’il Sebastian

Loved with a passion

Made us all cry

When he learned to fly

Chandler Bing

Did the strangest thing

Spent the day in a crate

Cuz he kissed Joey’s date

Moira Rose

Communed with crows

Revived her career

With a homespun premiere

Eleanor Shellstrop

Cream of Hell’s crop

Draining down a bottle

And quoting Aristotle

Dwight Schrute

Has a favorite root

Will mainsplain the deets

Of growing great beets

Dramas

Grogu the child

Appears meek and mild

But actually on a mission

The Force is strong with this one

Daenerys Targaryen

Changed her hair again

Perfect up ‘do for killin’

Is she hero or villain?

Veronica Mars

Bears a few scars

They give her perspective

As a badass detective

Sheriff Rick Grimes

Awoke in hard times

Dawn of a genocide

“Don’t open. Dead inside.”

Olivia Moore

Presumed dead onshore

But the party at sea

Made her a zombie

Noho Hank

Perfectly frank

Takes killing seriously

Loves his friends deliriously

Holiday

Yukon Cornelius

Hearty and fearless

Seeking out riches

And mushing those bitches!

Santa’s Little Helper

Not a biter, but a yelper

Dead last at the races

Put smiles on kids’ faces

Charlie Brown

A constant frown

What’s this eight-year-old’s trauma

That he’s got so much drama?

Abed Nadir

Brings holiday cheer

To his cynical friends

As his own psyche mends

I know I’m far from the only person to be disappointed by the season 7 finale of The Walking Dead. But I’ve felt the need to pinpoint exactly where the show went off the rails for me, and to articulate what, precisely, it has lost.

In the beginning, I was surprised to find myself enjoying a horror show so much. “It’s not about zombies,” was how I explained it to everyone who hadn’t seen it. “It’s about the people.” Not only was it about people… it was about hope. I’m sorry to say good-bye to beloved characters, but such good-byes are par for the course. What I can’t forgive is the loss of hope. Continue reading →